I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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