are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
