the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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