I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
