the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
