did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
