Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
