I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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