Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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