Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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