i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
