I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
