Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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