thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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