Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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