What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Randomize
