he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
