I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
