She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
