you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
