At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
