the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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