she looked like the before picture.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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