i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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