I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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