I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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