Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
