Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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