If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Randomize