I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She told me I should be a condom model.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
