I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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