His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
