eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
