We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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