i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
