remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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