Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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