I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Semen is not good for contacts.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize