also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
