i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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