I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
