You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
