I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize