I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
