Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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