You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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