what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize