after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
