I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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