highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
