Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
