Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
