plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
