I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
