I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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