Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
