Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
