I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
