Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
