Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize