When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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