I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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