Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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