Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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